Australian Survivor: Spice Rack Celebs vs Plebs Week 2

I think we all feel a little raw after what was a long, traumatising week of SurvivorAU. Usually, the plus side of expending so much emotional energy on the greatest television show in the universe is that you have very little time to think about your own traumas. However, I think it is safe to say we all workshopped this week’s evictions with our therapists. In celebration of modern anguish, this week in the Spice Rack (the royal) we discuss who the contestants would be if they were dating apps.

Bumble – Heath

Oh BDE Heath. Worth sending the first message. Too deep in the thirst trap to string together proper sentences.

Teaming up with mums to disempower the toxic bros was enough sexy to carry me through the rest of the week. If only they could have pulled it off again to take out Zach instead of Tegan.

The kind of 7ft tall masc Feminism Lite™ everyone can get behind.

E-Harmony – Moana

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SOUL MATES. Everything seemed so perfect, the algorithms matched up, we were even ready to fork out a little bit extra for it. Next thing I know, I am crying on the commute to George Michael classics.

There was nothing more we could have done. It wasn’t meant to be.

I will be nursing this heartbreak for a long time to come. But as my granny says, there is no better way to get over someone than under someone else, and I will be doing some very aggressive swiping on the other apps.

RSVP – Paige

None of your friends are talking about it, but under the radar, baby-boomer second marriages are being consummated vigorously everywhere. A real money-spinner.

Having survived being hated for no apparent reason, can the new trend and social acceptability carry Paige to the end?

Tinder – Sam

All your friends are into it, and you aren’t impartial to a play on their profiles when in the mood. But something is holding you back from taking the leap of faith yourself.

Is it just too shiny and tempting?

You’ve seen your divorced baby boomer parents burned by expensive dating sites (RSVP can’t save everyone), and all of a sudden your childhood traumas are bubbling to the surface. Can a man in a pizza-kitten t-shirt really handle all that baggage?

I personally always trust a cat man. You know they have been trained to withstand merciless coldness following years of self-sacrifice. And you really need a healthy dose of masochism to get through 50 days of Survivor, knowing you are on the same island as the Jersey Shore Twincest Alliance.

Grindr – Tegan

Here for a good time, (but potentially) not a long time. Boy I hope this turns out to be more than a quickie. I LOVE Tegan – I was sold from the moment I heard she was from Derby.

She seems like one big package, but I am concerned this won’t last forever.

Ashley Maddison – Zach

Sometimes the shit just leaks out, then it spews out, and next thing you know, something that made some of us a little queasy gets recognised internationally as an all-round bad time.

Personally, I feel like if you are going to be dodgy af, may as well go all out so everyone can get on the same page. Otherwise I look like the bad person when I say ‘lol Zach prob hates women hey’ – let us all know for sure. Women can be listened to, men can get public praise for not also hating women – everyone wins except for Zach and his follower count. When you manage to be the season misogynist on a cast with Russell, you are probably the Ashley Maddison of dating services.