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We’re back with the Spice Rack! If you were looking for consistency in a relationship, you fell in love with the wrong blog. Welcome back to the Survivor write-up which leaves you on ‘Read’ until you’re forced to degrade yourself with the triple text.
But baby, you know it is worth it, because I am going to treat you so, so good this week. Not only do we have a eulogy for BDE Heath, and a sneak preview of Brian and Jackie’s new hit TV show, but we have an interview with three-time winner of Spice Rack’s Sexiest Survivor Play of Aaaaaaaallll Tiiiiiiime Nick “The (Trouser) Snake” Iadanza!! So find a cool towel, private corner, and settle in.
RIP BDE Heath
Oh Heathie baby, it wasn’t meant to be, was it? It came as a shock to no one that Robbie and Benji were intimidated by Heath’s Big Dick Energy. A man that size cannot be left in the game with so many fragile egos still in the mix.
This leaves only one of my pre-season crush picks still in the mix and given that I have never pretended to be modest, I think it is the perfect time to get smug that baby girl Shonee is absolutely slaying the screen right now.
The combined BDE of Shonella more than compensates for losing my main man this season. What a sexy pair! Shonella vs the College Boy Buffoons is a spicy dream come true.
Speaking of absolute dreams, let’s talk crush-science with the most crushable man in the business:
Interview with Nick
A: As the OG Spice Rack Hall of Famer, you understand the enormous responsibility of being a Crush Ambassador. What do you think are the most important qualities in a crush-pick, and do you think anyone this season is up to the task?
N: Well I definitely take my roles and responsibilities seriously and I understand just how important this position is to the people. Being an Annabel crush-pick is not a choice, it’s a way of life. The crush picks this year need to understand that you carry this burden with you every day and, thus you must act crush-worthy at all times. How do you act crush-worthy you may ask? Basically, it involves taking very little care of your outward appearance and funneling most of your energy into being sassy on Twitter.
A: Do you have anyone from seasons past and present you would like to induct as an honourary Crush Ambassador?
N: Well let’s cast our minds back to 2001 and my original Survivor Crush from Survivor: Africa. Police officer Jesse Comacho was giving me Jennifer Lopez Latino realness and I was captivated. She may have spewed from dehydration for most of her very few episodes, but 13-year-old Nick was shooketh. Since then my crush picks have ranged from the black widow Parvati, the BDE (thanks for teaching me this term) Helen Glover, and of course my eternal crush-pick Stephen Fishbach.
Special mention to my first ever SurvivorAu crush- the incomparable Sue Clarke. From the moment I sat next to her on that truck in Samoa, a tumultuous love affair was born and I couldn’t be more infatuated to this day.
A: To be honest, I was expecting to get petty at that answer and pad out my block-list, but you really are ever the diplomat.
Lyndz’s past pre-season crush picks include Sam Webb, Locky, and Izzy. This season I believe Commando Steve and Lydia are the unfortunate recipients of this honour. Would you like to take this moment to shame her?
N: Look, it takes all sorts. My mother always said, different strokes for different folks and I like my folks of the more relatable everyday schlubb variety (see: vomiting early boots).
A: I asked BaeK this question during HvHvH, but as an English teacher, I am sure you can come up with something even saucier. If you were to write erotic fan-fiction about this season, who would your starring couple/ thruple be? If you’d like to add some PG plot details that’s fine. I believe Baek’s involved erectile dysfunction so maybe steer clear of that.
N: Well we all know Shonella have the best on screen chemistry; however, I feel Robbie and Benji will come in halfway through our script writing session and demand it be about them. I think this project is doomed to begin with to be honest. Everyone will pull out of the project and eventually we will be left with Steve K and Zach in a straight to DVD special titled ‘Uber D**k’.
A: This is exactly why you own the Hall of Fame. Finally, this edition of the Spice Rack is going to include an intro to the new hit Channel Ten drama starring Jackie and Brian. Any name suggestions?
N: Roll of the Dice– They were the perfect couple, but one of them was leading a double life…
Roll the Dice
They may seem like your run-of-the-mill, ludicrously wealthy couple, but one of them is hiding a huge secret!
A romantic trip to Japan ends with a million-dollar blow-out and a brawl with the Yakuza, but nothing will shake Jackie and Brian like the revelation she can’t even solve a rubix cube.
Tune in next week to see the shadiest couple on SurvivorAu show Lee/El and Sam/Mark that you don’t need honesty or mateship to forge a forever bond.
Contributing Writer: Annabel Claire
ALL IMAGES USED IN THIS ARTICLE ARE COPYRIGHT CHANNEL TEN & ENDEMOL SHINE. THIS IS A PERSONAL BLOG AND ALL VIEWS ARE MY OWN.
