Note from Lyndz: While I’m on Bloggers leave, our favourite Spice Gal, Annabel Claire will be bringing you her controversial and world-acclaimed Spice Rack column each week!! How lucky are we?! As always, enjoy 😉
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Spice Rack superfans and virgins alike, welcome back! Part erotic fan fiction, part teen diary, part high-brow art, here we dissect the most important element of the Survivor experience: who I deem to be the most crush-worthy. As the most respected (and attractive) Survivor Crush Scientist in the industry, each week I will track the progress of the contestants as they compete to be Spice Rack Hall of Famer, joining other notably sexy players like Nick, BaeK, Desiree, and Dylan.
Crush Pick One: Moana
I can’t help but audibly moan with desire every time Mo is on screen. This is, naturally, incredibly uncomfortable for anyone within my vicinity, especially my long-suffering boyfriend, but LOOK AT HER. I normally eschew footy players with a firm hand – athleticism has no place in the Spice Rack – but like any Melbourne bi-babe, I’ve gotta make an exception for AFLW.
Just when I thought I couldn’t get thirstier, she starts roasting Russell. The Fedora Lord is the natural enemy of the gay woman – their imaginary powers of seduction do not work here. He never had a hope.
Crush Pick Two: Shonee
What a queen, and definitely the most relatable player this season.
The show identifies Shonee’s key personality point as being married to a pro-skater, and her hobbies include tanning and taking selfies. I love her. If Instagram turned itself into a meme, and that meme into a person, it would be Shonee.
Unwilling to give up brunch, Shonee treated herself to a tasty termite while the plebs were shelter building. She did enjoy watching them do the heavy lifting, and based on her facial reactions to some of the flexing, I think she has real Spice Rack Guest Star potential.
Crush Pick Three: Heath
Heath is giving off major Big Dick Energy. For non-millennials, BDE is the vibe you get when a guy carries himself with the quiet, assured confidence of someone who is totally comfortable with their masculinity. AKA the opposite of Leather Daddy (see below).
It could just be because he is like a thousand feet tall, but I think it is also in contrast to what I am calling the Jersey Shore Twincest Alliance (Zach & Robbie), which seems to involve a lot of flexing and chest beating. Heath doesn’t need to wrestle the celeb with the biggest muscles to feel like he deserves a spot in the brolliance.
It is definitely a turn off that cutie Benji and BDE Heath seem to have shacked up with the Twins. The Spice Rack does not concern itself with petty things like ‘strategic gameplay,’ but competency is sexy so if it works out for them, I may be willing to overlook this.
RIP Leather Daddy
I am glad that production took the time to brief Russell that ‘Aussie’ is pronounced with a hard ‘z.’ Unfortunately for him, they didn’t seem to feel the need to tip him off that pairing a leather vest with tiny panties, and cowboy boots, is loaded with cultural meaning I suspect he did not intend. Either way I enjoy this new version of Russell – who said he was a one-trick pony? Pony-play is definitely a new leaf in the Russell playbook. Alas, the celebs were not up for a spanking – how vanilla.
PS. I would like to note that I am VERY invested in the Beauty and the Geek crossover showmance on the celeb tribe. Working on the Mills & Boon script right now.
Writers: Annabel Claire.
ALL IMAGES USED IN THIS ARTICLE ARE COPYRIGHT CHANNEL TEN & ENDEMOL SHINE. THIS IS A PERSONAL BLOG AND ALL VIEWS ARE MY OWN.
