So, after a year hiatus, I’m back! BUT, blogging with a newborn baby is harder than I thought… so I’m gonna cover my Top 5 Takeaways each week! Annabel will also be joining me with her (possibly) hottest Spice Rack yet involving Tinder Dates! Here we go…
5 | Ron’s New Advantage Menu (I’d like fries with that)
As Probst tells everyone they are free to start collecting items from the boat I was staring intently at the screen to see who would find the “Advantage Menu” (a new staple of the game)! Castaways are jumping off the boat left, right and centre, but low and behold Campy Ron sees the Advantage; winning!! Already a fan of the self-proclaimed Mean Girl, I couldn’t be happier with this development and look forward to seeing which dish he chooses! DELICIOUS.
4 | Colourful Characters!
What a wonderful array of characters this season (discounting the returnees), we have the fun-loving, sunshine and rainbows Goddess, Wendy! She comes out with having tourettes and is honestly just living life to the fullest. She’s so genuinely happy to be on Survivor it’s endearing to watch <3 We have Reem who is full of “WHATEVER” and is feisty AF! Gavin is a cute country bumpkin who stands out with the most awesome Pineapple shirt ever to exist. Aurora, the queer lawyer (and obvious Survivor crush of the season) is ready to PLAY – can’t wait to see her be Team Joe then cut his throat… coz she’d totally do that! Lauren seems super cool and Keith is like a sweet, innocent puppy dog – how good was that swimming lesson scene?! I’m just hoping we don’t lose too many of these guys early!
3 | The Returnees; Where Are They Now?
Aubry – Straightaway she’s seen as a huge threat and rightly so. She already has a target on her back for simply being THE Aubry Bracco! The one thing going for Aubs is that she’s on the more ‘winning’ team when it comes to challenges, so she probably will stay in longer than first thought. Joey Amazing – I hope falls under the spell of Aurora. He also will most likely stay in the game for a while. Wentworth – She’s got her galpal, Lauren, and seems to be in somewhat control of Manu; I just hope this continues. With the likes of David who’s happy to throw her under the bus, I am a little worried! Speaking of David, I really thought he would be a target early on, and he still may be, but he’s quite beguiling and seems to already be settling into Manu. David’s not happy with Wentworth as top dog!
2 | Reem versus Manu
Doing your tribe mates laundry in the real world is a great thing, but on Survivor… looks SHADY AF!! Being the ONLY one going through others clothes is not only totes suss, but puts the biggest target on your back. Big no no to Reem there. It was awesome to see her teach Keith how to swim, and him seeing her as a mother figure (until he stabs her in the back later in the episode haha). Albeit Reem digging her own grave, about time we had an ‘older’ (not old at 46) woman who stood up for themselves… She ain’t gonna be no goat!! Unfortunately, age is a factor, and even more unfortunate, her gender. Sigh. Her bout with Wentworth at tribal was fabulous and I hope she somehow sticks it out on Extinction Island.
1 | Extinction Island
Not sure if I’m in the minority, or if it’s too early to call, but I’m already loving the concept of Extinction Island! The dramatic cues at the end of the episode were riveting, I wish we got to see more. I am a bit concerned with how many people will end up staying on EI, but keen to find out how it’ll all work. Either way it’s going to be epic or a complete train-wreck; both worthy of our viewing! I’m here for the ride, y’all!
THE SPICE RACK WEEK 1
Contestants as short-lived Tinder relationships
Follow Annabel on Twitter
Yuss, yuss, yuss, the Spice Rack is back! Zero strategic analysis, 100% thirst posting. Each week the Survivor contestants compete to win the illustrious title of Season Crush Pick, and join the Spice Rack Hall of Fame. Last season, Angelina joined Wendell and Devon as the most recent appointees. This season, Extinction Island gives contestants a second chance at winning my heart.
Based on thirsty consumption of the pre-season press, and a rushed first episode, not many of the contestants have yet jumped out at me as Extra SpicyTM. Those who have, really made an impression. This week we analyse those particularly juicy babes under the close scientific lens of Short-Lived Tinder Relationships. If we met on Tinder, how would our first date go, and how long until the inevitable ghosting? Results may vary, haters will call it fan fiction.
Wendy – 1 week
I’m home from work and trying to motivate myself to shower and get ready to go out. The pre-date chat online has been fine, but nothing to get me particularly excited for this.
Within thirty minutes of the date, however, it is immediately clear we are soul mates. We have already named our future dog-babies, revealed the deep psychological impact of our past traumas, and are working out viable weekends to meet the parents. We only separate to go to our respective jobs, but are otherwise now living together.
‘She’s the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life’ I am gushing to my
friends.
‘Annabel, you have nothing in common, and without even meeting her, I am 90%
certain you are only in this for the sense of security and validation.’
Shit. We have already booked our flights for our New Zealand vacation.
I realise extracting myself from this situation will be difficult – she has already told her parents she will stand by me no matter what they think (they think this is a terrible, terrible idea) and I have no intention of going down with this sinking ship. I passive aggressively return all her clothes (now my entire wardrobe) to her doorstep and change my phone number. I’m sorry Wendy, I loved you, but I wasn’t IN love with you.
Marcel (sometimes goes by ‘Joey Amazing’s Moustache’) – 2 hours
As soon as I arrived at the bar, I realise Marcel’s photos were so misleading we are almost at catfish-level. There was substantially less wax involved than I am looking at now, and I contemplate whether or not I should just bail before he sees me. However, there is something about the poncy flat cap he is wearing which tells me this will make a great story for later. I walk over and take a seat.
Two hours later, and I have heard his opinion on almost every mainstream artist who has produced work in the last hundred years. It has taken four pints of beer and every ounce of Fake Bitch in me to feign any level of enthusiasm, but in hindsight, I probably could have taken a nap and it would not have stopped him. Marcel, aroused by his own genius and my comparative intellectual inferiority, starts putting on the moves – ‘BDSM is the most cutting edge form of modern art, don’t you think?’
It is time to leave.
Aurora – Till my dying day
I am totally besotted from the moment I swiped right – checking my phone every few minutes, refreshing intensely just in case we match. I am ignoring all the warning signs – profile clearly states she is a Sagittarius, and based on the birth chart I have estimated through intense Google searching, I am looking at the most emotionally unavailable woman on Tinder. 100% here for it.
More red flags on our first date – turns out she not only knows Marcel, but she quite likes him, AND is good friends with his very close acquaintance Joe. In any other circumstance this would be a deal breaker, but I am extremely shallow and she is extremely good looking/rich so I pretend I thought Marcel was quite intelligent.
Since the start of our very one-sided, budding romance have I rescinded all dignity? Yes. Have I developed an entirely manufactured personality in the hopes she will somehow magically transform into a Capricorn? Yes. Will I love her for the rest of my life, or at least the rest of the month? Absolutely.
{NB: she stopped responding to my messages after our second date}
Contributing Writers: Annabel Claire
ALL IMAGES USED IN THIS ARTICLE ARE COPYRIGHT CBS. THIS IS A PERSONAL BLOG AND ALL VIEWS AND GIFS ARE MY OWN.
